Posts Tagged ‘arabian’

Romhack #2: Super Lesbian

June 11, 2008

I promised you lesbians (see here) and lesbians you will get. Well, sort of. In fact, I rather doubt the lesbians here are lesbians at all. You’ll see what I mean.

This particular ROM hack is a very poor attempt at making the game Super Arabian (Japanese Famicom conversion of the similarly named arcade classic) more… lesbian-y. I will leave the success of this attempt up to the reader, after viewing all of the available evidence. So, without further ado, the first screenshot of the review. Woohoo.

The title screen. Now, this is better than most romhacks, which don’t bother with altering the title. However, the author has not gone far enough to make a good edit of the title. Over the letters “BIA” appears to be the word “KAMI”. Presumably this is the author’s username. Quite why one would want to take credit for this monstrosity is beyond my comprehension, but there it is. The 1-player/2-player selector has been tastefully replaced with a penis. Why male genitalia appear so frequently in a game about lesbians is once again difficult for me to grasp. I suspect that ROM hackers live in some alternate universe in which the normal rules of logic do not apply. Let’s move on to the gameplay.

In the bottom of the ship is my character. She is clearly a lesbian because she is naked. She also has a turban (like the guy in Super Arabian does) and her breasts have transparent outlines, making it appear as though someboy has cut U-shaped holes in her ample chest. Nonetheless, she’s here and she’s queer, so we may as well use her to our advantage (collecting pots, you dirty dirty person).

Well, before we can get to the exciting lesbian lettered-pot-collecting (I think I saw a movie about that once) we have to get through these pink blobs and raven-like things who are determined to stop the lesbian from getting the pots. Clearly this indicates terrible prejudice against pot-retrieving lesbians, and the foul creatures must be stopped lest their misogynist, anti-lesbian ways prevent the collection of said alphabetical houseware. Thankfully, our lesbian is provided with the one weapon she needs to defeat the scoundrels:

Yes, I’m not sure what it is either. In the original, I think it was his leg with a pointy shoe on the end, just like a real Arabian. Here I’m not so sure. I suppose it could still be a leg, but now that she’s naked the point on the end is unaccounted for. I immediately thought “it’s a giant penis” which either says something about me or the ROM hacker’s idea of lesbians. I would much prefer the latter. I have no idea what my character is now, but I’m fairly certain she’s not a lesbian. I’m not even sure that she’s a she, but floppy Arabian man-breasts are something I’d rather not consider. Moving swiftly on, let’s see what happens if the leg-penis attack fails to deter the hate-crimes of the beasts and they kill our ‘lesbian’ friend.

She falls over and lo! another penis. Or at least, it’s shaped like one. Not sure what the white bits at the base are. At any rate, this casts our protagonist’s lesbianism into further doubt. I don’t think she’d be less lesbian unless she actually had sex with men (don’t get excited, she doesn’t, I imagine that would be far too much work.)

Once you collect all these marvellous pots (the letters spell ANIMAL, you know) our lesbian does a little victory leap.

Up close you can even see the poorly rendered nipples! (If you can’t see them, look harder. You know you want to.) Ms. Lesbian has turned into some kind of freakish naked transparent-eyed starfish, and what’s that levitating above her hand? In the original it was some kind of sword, but it seems once again (and I’m only guessing by the colours, for all I know it could be a box of chocolates. I hear lesbians like chocolates) Kami has replaced an element of the game with a penis.

Well, that’s all that’s been altered from Super Arabian. There’s no point looking at the remaining levels because they’re all the same as in the original. Clearly a case of typical romhacker laziness here, and coupled with the constant penis sprite replacement and naked protagonist this makes Super Lesbian a very typical romhack. I really have nothing else to say on this, so here is a picture of something I childishly found amusing whilst playing Super Lesbian: